Today I Was Ugly

Today I was ugly. Not physically - I was well-groomed and matching and had a new product in my hair - but emotionally. I was irritable and once rubbed the wrong way, there was yukky resentment bubbling inside my head. A friend at knitting complained about her job, and all i could think was what a blessing it is to be able to work. She named some legitimate things that are a problem with her work; inside I said "You should be glad you can work." She complained about her schedule; "Hell, my schedule is totally dependent on what my body and this disease are doing today." She continued to complain, "Jeez, would you suck it up, you big baby." I just didn't have graciousness and light in me today. Thank goodness I was holding it in, although I think the tone of some of the thoughts I actually uttered was not the most generous.

I've been struggling. This long ordeal with having a sudden worsening in my health, and having to set a new standard for making myself deal with pain and fatigue and disability, it has just been wearing me down. Lately I ask myself every day why people do this, if there's a point, if it is worth it. So far my answers have always been "because we have to", "yes" and "yes", but will I get to a day when those answers change? It's just so damn hard, all of it. The sitting down and the standing up. The awakening and the laying down to sleep. The cooking, the fetching, the dressing, the washing. The household chores.

But the past week has brought some relief, even if it hasn't completely chased away my doubts. My arm feels stable again. I no long feel that nagging weakness and feeling that things are out of place. I am confident when I raise my arm that the muscles won't spasm and make the fracture shift and make me scream. I can reach for something without wondering how it will go, or whether I should have used my left hand. Pain is still there, but not gnawing at the bone, keeping me awake and making it impossible to sit still.

Other good things have moved me this week. My knitting is better. My hands no longer feel like they are accommodating a weak link when I hold the needles. I can knit my usual hours and end a day feeling okay, able to get up the next morning and knit again. I've especially enjoyed my baths, as I can trust myself to lie back and put my head in the water and relax. No arm spasm will interrupt and make me flail and catch my breath in fear.

I Skyped with my daughter today. You might think we do it all the time, but sometimes the missing is too intense, and neither of us can tolerate a flood of tears and the dredging up of sadness. We talked for an hour. She toured me around her apartment. She showed me classwork she has completed, fascinating now that she is creating every day in so many ways. The photo is a piece of cloth that she dyed to match a flowered shirt, an assignment for her fabric class. And she made me laugh my ass off. Falling over, bellowing, not carrying how I looked laughing. It washed out some of the ugly. Maybe most of it. I feel inspired now, to do something interesting. I'm going to experiment with some slip stitch crochet that I just read about. My evening will be fun, and hopefully I won't be wondering if this day was worth it.

Peace.

A Day for Action

It's been ages since I woke like this - alert, moving, ready to go. I've had a series of minor setbacks with the body, plus been through a round of rituximab treatment. I felt like I was putting fingers in multiple dikes, just trying to make it to the next hour, next day...a painful way to survive. No thriving involved. But today (courtesy of lots of meds and a good night's sleep) I am good. I'm actually waiting for the post office and drug store to open so I can do the errands that I want to complete before it hits 90 degrees again.

I have so much going on in the knitting arena that I have to list it to make sure I'm pushing each project forward: one custom cape, one custom afghan, one custom baby ensemble, patterns and ideas for my book, a box of products to post to a northern boutique for consideration, a couple of local Christmas markets to apply to, and refreshing my Etsy store with new photos and products. At some time in the past this knitting thing officially crossed the line from hobby to business. Now I'm trying to make it a profitable business, and sell more wisely.

One thing the broken arm has taught me - don't rely so much on physical methods of doing business. I have not been able to return to selling at the Chattanooga Market, and I don't know if I'll be ready by the end of the season. My days of heavy lifting and tedious setups in bad weather may be over. We'll see. The arm has made progress, maybe the rest of me will move forward a bit, too.

My girl is safely off to school in Georgia, three hours away. It's a blessing. She loves the UGA art school and sends me teeny phone photos of her work. Our conversations about ideas and creating stimulate my work and make me think of new ways to do things. Seeing the way she tends to the tiniest detail on her drawing and fabric work reminds me that I can do much more embellishing with my knitted items. I even have plans for some embroidery on pieces that I'll publish in the book.

The loneliness from my daughter's absence is a lesson to be learned all over again. She was here for a year, and I forgot the void that her leaving creates. Moreover, the past two months my sweet pooch was cared for by a friend while my arm recovered enough to be the caretaker again. I have talked to the walls and the television set and mostly to myself during this time. I've had to learn again how to laugh by myself, and how to breathe out the pain and sadness and let myself be okay. Some of us are created to be social, and it is a struggle to be physically restrained from that. My body as anchor, keeping me rooted to this spot...

I have had more than enough thinking time. I have come to terms with the fact that desire and will power and hard work may not be enough to reign in my weight problems. I'm totally satisfied with the way I am managing it, trying to keep my prednisone low, moving when I can and cooking healthy meals. I must accept that when I get on my bike for 10 minutes and then have a week of inflammation in my knee, it is beyond my control. Yoga? Chair yoga is my next exploration. I so want to lose. Even 50 pounds would make it easier to get around and care for myself. I've cut some real favorites out of my pantry (peanutbutter!) and stocked up on high-fiber ingredients. The price of tofu just dropped dramatically at one of my favorite groceries, and I'm learning more ways to enjoy it. Curry is in my kitchen vocabulary, and I'm baking regularly instead of buying $7 loaves of bread. My strawberry muffins are to be envied.

Can you have a fling in your mind? An old flame has been in touch, and reminded me of the positives in our relationship, long past. For a few weeks I entertained thoughts of us together, brought to an abrupt stop by some recurrences of behavior that is intolerable for me. I didn't have to think twice about mentioning this here - one huge incongruity in our non-relationship is his refusal to learn any computer function beyond email. Oh well...

Enough supposing. This day is for action! Peace!

Retreat, Regroup and Return

I have found a limit today. Evidently, four weeks of forced helplessness and pain is my limit. I didn't know it when I woke, but suddenly I am ready to turn off my phone, tell people to leave me alone, get rid of the extra tabs in my browser, and cry when I can't find a measuring cup. I've had it. It's so bad that I am here on my computer, typing with my arm in an uncomfortable position, making pounding noises on the keys that I haven't produced in four weeks.

I am usually a social person, happy to hear from everyone (except the people I hate, who are few) and quick to find some energy for communicating. My patience is gone. Every time my phone goes "beep beep beep beep" to indicate a new text message, I startle and then curse loudly. In my mind, there are legions of torturers out there who are trying to distract me and put me to extra effort pushing buttons and answering inane messages. The Terminix man appearing at my door and saying "good morning" is only there to force me out of my chair and across the room, letting heat into my house as he lounges in my air conditioned foyer. I have one (ONE!) chore to do on my computer and I'm angry at the friend who hasn't called with the information that I need to complete it.

In a minute I'm going to cuss someone out on the intercom, grab two beers and take the chute route from my plane. I will do the ultimate "take this life and shove it". It doesn't matter that this whole thing is my fault. I packed yarn in a space bag. I left a space bag next to the door of my bedroom. I walked across the room without looking at the floor. No wait, it goes back way further. I ignored my family history and past symptoms and chose a stressful career that would certainly make me a setup for an autoimmune disorder. I took extra prednisone so that I could keep working (and playing) longer, destroying my bones and increasing my weight. I produced a body that would almost certainly break when challenged.

Okay, you can see where this is going, right? Pretty soon I will be convinced that I produced the all the bad stuff in the world, including climate change and political conservatism. I am on a downward spiral that will leave me huddled in my recliner watching Fox News and the Lifetime network. Self-pity, anxiety and self-indulgence, you are my friends.

Fortunately the last ring of my phone occurred just after the third paragraph and a friend reminded me to "retreat, regroup and return". Just the right coaching for today. Any other advice would have been too religious or too complicated, just the things to make me angry instead of contemplative and calm. For once, I'm going to listen to outside help instead of knitting furiously until my mind is numb and my body hurts more.

Peace.

Training and Dating and Training

"...if you make your resident look bad, she'll torture you until you beg for your mama." Dr. Bailey, surgery resident, season I Grey's Anatomy. Or maybe she'll ask you out.

No matter how much they teach housestaff about boundaries and professionalism, the sad fact remains that-during your residency days-if you don't date someone from the hospital, you have little chance of dating at all. The hallowed, horny halls of Seattle Grace Hospital on Grey's Anatomy are full of resident-attending relationships. That's a pretty sticky pairing, and I only saw one during my three years of internal medicine at Johns Hopkins Hospital. What was much more common was dating between fellow residents, residents and students, house staff and nurses, house staff and other hospital staff...you get the idea. After all, the hospital was full of reasonably educated, young, single-ish people, all conveniently under one roof.

We did occasionally make the effort to diversify our selection pool. Once in a blue moon I would go out to a club with one or two fellow residents and meet some of the local fare. We usually lied about our occupations and claimed to sell shoes at a department store, mindful that many folks had misconceptions about medical residents. Some guys automatically avoided us, expecting a superior attitude and surfeit of brainy wisdom. Others heard "doctor" and expected hefty incomes instead of the meager stipends we were paid. My forays into the real world were never productive. I would drink, dance, have fun with my girls, and go home alone.

So yes, I dated as others did. It was the early '80s, no one was on line, there was no Sunday afternoon speed dating, and the hospital was full of men. Men in hospital world were judged much like men on the outside. We evaluated looks, intelligence (yes, there was some variation-a smart monkey can memorize a good chunk of medical school curriculum), origins, and whether our call schedules matched. We considered whether this was a man that would push to spend the night but forget our name during lunch in the cafeteria or rounds on the ward. Most importantly, did he have any life going on besides the lengthy to-do list of daily patient care. None of us had time for big activities, but we could read, see a movie, talk about hobbies...

Once I developed a friendship with a student and we wound up dating for months. One thing that was perversely in his favor was his ability to understand that only a portion of our internal medicine teaching would help him in his future specialty. Once our offerings crossed that line, he politely excused himself to work on improving in his own specialty or having a healthy life. I was appalled that he didn't want to stay up all night watching a new onset diabetic receive hourly shots of insulin, but he wisely chose to get some sleep. A nice corollary to this behavior was his refusal to memorize medical trivia just to suck up to the attending physician. I've never liked a show-off.

]Peace.

Do Women of Color Knit?

Last night I slept laying down. Talk about being grateful for small things! For ten days after my fracture I slept sitting, as my arm lost its therapeutic position as soon as I reclined. Every day my legs and feet grew more swollen. It was more difficult at the hotel without my recliner. I struggled to prop enough pillows and balance against them waking every hour to readjust everything.

Oh yes, the hotel. I was bored and stir-crazy in my little house, so I returned to college town with my daughter while she finishes her last week of summer school. Alone in the hotel I have gained a new perspective on designs for my book, as well as a few more words to be said.

I grew up knitting at a time when knitting was an "old lady" hobby. Funkier new crafts were being taught-think macrame-and more portable handcrafts like crochet seemed to be favored. The back to the land movement that followed hippie life seemed far removed from me, as I worked to acquire highly technical, scientific knowledge for my career. By the turn of the century and my retirement, knitting was on the rise with new fibers and better tools and a younger following who created modern, wearable gear.

When I joined that modern knitters movement, what I didn't see was women of color. Without fail, I am overwhelmingly outnumbered in groups of knitters. I am aware of only one African-American woman who regularly appears in knitting design circles, my hero, Shirley Paden. Drawn to a career in knitting design after her high-powered business position suddenly ended, she became incredibly successful. I am trying to determine if the scarcity of minority women in knitting is personal experience or reality. I've fashioned a brief survey to help assess that. Feel free to participate or pass the link to any adult women you know. I will publish the statistics.

I always like to share what I find, if it is useful and good. Knitting has done some amazing things for my life, and if there's a population that isn't getting the exposure, I'd love to aim some teaching in that direction.

Peace.

A Broken Arm?!

this is not about the punctuation or the caps. it is all i can do to use my right hand to help type here. eight days ago i slipped in my own room and fell, producing a right proximal humerus fracture that is now in control of my life.

i tried to think how to talk about this ongoing episode. descriptions of pain are always inadequate and quickly become boring, so let's just make pain a given and move on. there are all kinds of sequelae (consequences we say in the real nonmedical world) that i would like to relate.

this fracture - my right arm, up by the shoulder, resulted from a fall. in my house, i slipped and fell. i sprained my foot at that time, so i had a getting-off-the-floor dilemma. after the paramedics came and the biggest one told me he could bear-hug me and lift me up, we tried. i screamed and we quit that trial. i scooted over to a chair while holding my arm, wrenched my good foot and bad foot into position, and stood up. you do what you have to do.

who knew a fracture made you sick? the first few days i felt feverish and tired. yesterday i went out for the first time, and i slept deeply for hours after. i have been fortunate to not dive into a lupus flare. i have been hungry, i suppose for the extra nutrition required to heal.

when you are hungry and your main hand doesn't work, it is good to have friends. my friends have come to my home with amazing, tasty, fresh cooking. lentil and oatmeal loaf, minestrone full of home grown vegetables, tiny strips of collards stir-fried with fresh okra, whole wheat biscuits and tortillas...grow some bones with that! with a little help i've stirred some pots too, making one loaf of banana bread and a corn/tofu/cornbread mix casserole.

i can knit a little and finished a baby blanket order today. that makes me happier than sunshine. i am on my way to recovery.

Patterns Plus Talk Equals Book

I am writing. Turns out this whole pattern writing/design thing just flows without any big worries. I have decided that this group of patterns should have a theme, and be published together. I think that is called a book. Since I have great difficulty just stating the facts, it will have to be put together with lots of other words, chiefly a collection of my essays (or should I say "Essies"?). This will give me an excuse for lots of talking. I think I need that right now. Whenever I am consigned to living alone, I begin to have these long dialogues in my head. Putting them down on "paper" is a good way to silence those voices and bring the conversations to some kind of natural conclusion.

My patterns for this book are going to be done in some of my favorite yarns. I've ordered a bagful of them, old favorites and favorites-to-be, and just seeing them close up brings to mind the garments and home items that I should design. These are just crying out to be knit up into gorgeous pieces. One cool thing is the affordability of this bunch of yarns. I didn't go out and shop at Wallyworld (I don't ever do that, on general and political principles). I headed for a type of yarn that typically provides lots of yardage at reasonable prices. I threw caution to the wind in my selection, going with colorways that move me rather than practical solids and neutrals. Well, occasionally I am moved by a neutral, but only if I can really feel the fiber in it and maybe smell the sheep. I do have a variety of fibers represented, including animal and plant fibers, but those hydrocarbon-eating synthetics are at a minimum.

Speaking of synthetics, I've been requested to make some baby blankets that are going to get an ungodly amount of washing. For them, I found synthetics to be my best bet. I knit the first one in Lion Brand's old reliable Homespun. The second is in progress after a search for another yarn, one easier to knit. The inevitable snagging in Homespun's boucle construction drove me crazy in a way that only a frustrated knitter would know. I enlisted my daughter's sensitive skin to help me judge other synthetics and we settled on Deborah Norville's Serenity chunky weight. It is impressive in its softness and knits very easily, even on the $2.99 bargain plastic circular needles that I purchased with it. I'm enjoying working with an acrylic, even though my brain keeps circling back to that hydrocarbon issue. I think I would consider this for my next afghan that requires lots of washing, like one for an invalid or someone immune-compromised. It would also work for chemocaps, as they sometimes go on very sensitive scalps. No I don't have an interest in the company, but it is nice to see Deborah Norville's success since she's from Dalton, GA, 30 minutes from here.

Yesterday I served as babysitter for a wonderful toddler. It was great thinking time. Watching him play reminded me of the mobility and speed of that age group, and the qualities that their clothing should have. It also made me remember trying to satisfy a two year-old's ideas about proper dressing. I'm designing some clothes that can quickly change an outfit from down-and-dirty to church-worthy. Kids need that single piece that you throw on after they have dribbled toothpaste on the shirt or picked the same plain-Jane dress for the 50th time. I think I've got it covered. Hahaha, that's a pun. Some days I am just plain smart.

Peace.